No monkeying around today, let's get this party started.
PART I: BAZOOKA CAMP ALPHA IS BACK ONLINE
So I got my computer most of the way fixed today. YAY! The new DVD-R drive is in, all the drivers are installed, the critical software is reinstalled, the bookmarks are imported, and everything is organized the way I want. Still a couple of settings to mess with, some more software to load, the new keyboard should be here any day, and then I'll be rocking. It's so nice to be able to watch DVD's while I do my treatments again, and have everything the way I want it set up. Ahhhhhhhhhh... (Funny story... Right here is where I had to start over because Bazooka Camp Alpha crashed. Awesome right?) Well I went on to say how awesome having a real screen, speed, blah, blah, and how I wish I had all the crap I downloaded back... But like hell if I'm writing out all that crap all over again.
PART II: MADLOVE - WHITE WITH FOAM
As I was getting all my bookmarks put back together I stopped by the Ipecac Records site... For the first time I heard tell of this new band MadLove. A song was streaming in the background, so I paused Big Business and gave it a shot. It was pretty neat, kind of a pop-alternative sound with a subliminal creepiness to it, so I decided to read up on it. Turns out it is a new project of Trevor Dunn's (Mr. Bungle, Secret Chiefs 3, Fantomas, Trevor Dunn's Trio Convulsant, and more). Okay, now I have to check this out, so I decide to go download it, and holy crap.
First, Trevor Dunn's my boy. He's an amazing bassist, is well-versed in all genres, and out of all the Bungle crew, he had the best knack for a pop hook. He writes all of MadLove's music, so there's not a weak joint on the disc. But the real surprise here was primary vocalist Sunny Kim. She's got an amazing stylistic range, but despite what style it is still distinctly her own. The name that first comes to mind is Björk, simply because of that ability to turn on a dime. At times she even sounds literally like her, using her voice more directly as an instrument. At one moment she'll pull off the eerie soulfulness of a PJ Harvey, to the smokey, sexy, noir of a Jennifer Charles, to the dominating pop of a Shirley Manson.
I was HEARTILY impressed. If you are a fan of Garbage, any of the women listed above, or anything with a good hook with a little dirt lurking in the shadows, I highly recommend it.
PART III: YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE IT, AND YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT. YEAH, ALL OF IT.
Health care reform for the win. People are just going to have to deal with it. It's going to happen. So it just passed the house, despite a few concessions to conservative Democrats, that caused more liberal Dems to drop support. I mean they voted against the bill just because they tightened the restrictions on payment on teenage abortions. Yeah, I'm pro-choice, but that is biting the hand that feeds.
Health care will pass, and even though I'm for it, I'll admit, it's going to be a mess at first. But we can work together to iron those kinks out when we get to them. It was important that it be done now while we have the chance, or else it will never get done. It will take some tweaking, we all know that, but if we work together we can make it work.
So quit your bitching and help make it right.
PART IV: GOLDEN NUGGETS OF AWESOME©
Holy crap I'm sweet. Just look at how sweet I am.
I need to get back on the Yoga mat. Today I had my legs crossed as I sat at my desk chair, and I had to take both my hands and physically uncross my legs, and then limp a few steps before they finally straightened out.
Today I noticed that the backs of my hands (not the palms you pervs) are starting to get hairy. I don't know how I feel about this.
The juxtaposition of the last two make me feel old. I better check for ear hair tomorrow.
The Browns didn't lose today!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, they had a bye week, fuck you.
The other night I had REALLY bad gas. I was in bed and let a cacophonous fart rip. The dog got up jumped off the bed and slept on the floor. You know it's bad when you run the DOG off.
I'm sick of being sick. It's sickening.
JP Morgan Chase has it out for me. They are really good at holding onto a charge until I assume it's been drawn, and then dropping it so that I overdraft. Jerks.
Speaking of jerks...
Buzz off. Nothing to see here.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Well I'm sick as hell, so I may as well write to pass the time.
PART I: THE EVOLUTION OF RACISM IN AMERICA
There is a new racial slur out there, one you might not expect. It gets thrown around all the time, especially over the last 8 years. The word seems to have lost it's legitimate meaning, instead having become a form of institutionalized racism.
The word is TERRORIST
The incident at Fort Hood yesterday is what brings all this up. Everyone is throwing around the word terrorist already. Don't get me wrong this incident is an utter tragedy, indefensible, and the guy should be hung by his testicles and given paper cuts until he bleeds to death. But terrorism? No.
From Merriam-Webster:
Main Entry: ter·ror·ism
Pronunciation: \ˈter-ər-ˌi-zəm\
Function: noun
Date: 1795
: the systematic use of terror, especially as a means of coercion
This is an isolated incident, masterminded by a singular person. By definition, that is not terrorism.
The asshole that did this was Muslim, was of Syrian descent, and had allegedly made posts that were in favor of suicide bombers. That does not make him a terrorist. An asshole, whack-job, murderer, and scumbag, yes.
This brings me to my point. If he had been Christian, would we be calling him a terrorist?
I read the alleged post, and it is something that could be interpreted in many ways. To the suicide bomber, they do see their bombing the same way as diving on a grenade. They are sacrificing their lives in a way that they feel will "save the lives of their people". Yes it's convoluted, but I'm not defending the logic, just explaining it.
Last week, Anthony Sowell was arrested after police found 11 bodies (one short of the Ft. Hood tragedy) in his home while investigating an attempted rape. Sowell was already a convicted sex offender who systematically preyed on East Cleveland's impoverished and drug-addicted women for over a year as the bodies piled up in his home of people the city didn't care about, and left for dead. More victims that survived have come out, who were afraid to speak before because of the drug problems that made it near impossible to go to the police.
Sowell had women of East Cleveland living in fear for over a year. He is not a Muslim, he is not of Middle-Eastern descent, and his victims could not be hailed as heroes. Therefore, the man who terrorized a city will never be called a terrorist.
Despite no proof of ties to a terrorist organization, Major Nidal Malik Hasan, has been labeled a terrorist because he is Muslim. I'm not defending him, he's a mass murderer. He killed 12 innocent soldiers, and tried to kill many many more. What he did is indefensible.
However, what the media has done is also indefensible. Over the past 8 years they have made it "okay" to hate Muslims. They've given America a nice easy cop-out to be blatantly racist. Any crime by a Muslim is terrorist activity now, while if they were white, the word never even comes to mind.
Timothy McVeigh was a terrorist. David Koresh was a terrorist. Ted "Unabomber" Kaczynski was a terrorist. Anthony Sowell was a terrorist. David "Son of Sam" Berkowitz was a terrorist. But other than McVeigh, (and even then it is rare) have you ever heard any of them called a terrorist? They all systematically terrorized their communities, and even the nation as a whole with McVeigh and Kaczynski. That is terrorism.
The media has created a world where its okay to fear all Muslims, because they may be "terrorists", enabling a nation of racists. Even more they have essentially systematically terrorized followers of Islam by creating a world of alienation and stereotypes that have Muslims in America living in fear of being labeled terrorists. Isn't that terrorism?
I'm so proud I live in a country where it is "okay" to hate Muslims. The Muslims in America ought to start a support group with the GLBT community, you know, since America has deemed it acceptable to discriminate them both.
PART II: I'm too sick to do a part two...
Buzz off.
PART I: THE EVOLUTION OF RACISM IN AMERICA
There is a new racial slur out there, one you might not expect. It gets thrown around all the time, especially over the last 8 years. The word seems to have lost it's legitimate meaning, instead having become a form of institutionalized racism.
The word is TERRORIST
The incident at Fort Hood yesterday is what brings all this up. Everyone is throwing around the word terrorist already. Don't get me wrong this incident is an utter tragedy, indefensible, and the guy should be hung by his testicles and given paper cuts until he bleeds to death. But terrorism? No.
From Merriam-Webster:
Main Entry: ter·ror·ism
Pronunciation: \ˈter-ər-ˌi-zəm\
Function: noun
Date: 1795
: the systematic use of terror, especially as a means of coercion
This is an isolated incident, masterminded by a singular person. By definition, that is not terrorism.
The asshole that did this was Muslim, was of Syrian descent, and had allegedly made posts that were in favor of suicide bombers. That does not make him a terrorist. An asshole, whack-job, murderer, and scumbag, yes.
This brings me to my point. If he had been Christian, would we be calling him a terrorist?
I read the alleged post, and it is something that could be interpreted in many ways. To the suicide bomber, they do see their bombing the same way as diving on a grenade. They are sacrificing their lives in a way that they feel will "save the lives of their people". Yes it's convoluted, but I'm not defending the logic, just explaining it.
Last week, Anthony Sowell was arrested after police found 11 bodies (one short of the Ft. Hood tragedy) in his home while investigating an attempted rape. Sowell was already a convicted sex offender who systematically preyed on East Cleveland's impoverished and drug-addicted women for over a year as the bodies piled up in his home of people the city didn't care about, and left for dead. More victims that survived have come out, who were afraid to speak before because of the drug problems that made it near impossible to go to the police.
Sowell had women of East Cleveland living in fear for over a year. He is not a Muslim, he is not of Middle-Eastern descent, and his victims could not be hailed as heroes. Therefore, the man who terrorized a city will never be called a terrorist.
Despite no proof of ties to a terrorist organization, Major Nidal Malik Hasan, has been labeled a terrorist because he is Muslim. I'm not defending him, he's a mass murderer. He killed 12 innocent soldiers, and tried to kill many many more. What he did is indefensible.
However, what the media has done is also indefensible. Over the past 8 years they have made it "okay" to hate Muslims. They've given America a nice easy cop-out to be blatantly racist. Any crime by a Muslim is terrorist activity now, while if they were white, the word never even comes to mind.
Timothy McVeigh was a terrorist. David Koresh was a terrorist. Ted "Unabomber" Kaczynski was a terrorist. Anthony Sowell was a terrorist. David "Son of Sam" Berkowitz was a terrorist. But other than McVeigh, (and even then it is rare) have you ever heard any of them called a terrorist? They all systematically terrorized their communities, and even the nation as a whole with McVeigh and Kaczynski. That is terrorism.
The media has created a world where its okay to fear all Muslims, because they may be "terrorists", enabling a nation of racists. Even more they have essentially systematically terrorized followers of Islam by creating a world of alienation and stereotypes that have Muslims in America living in fear of being labeled terrorists. Isn't that terrorism?
I'm so proud I live in a country where it is "okay" to hate Muslims. The Muslims in America ought to start a support group with the GLBT community, you know, since America has deemed it acceptable to discriminate them both.
PART II: I'm too sick to do a part two...
Buzz off.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Call Me Lazarus.
Okay minions, THE AUTHOR is too damn pissed to continue his hiatus further. I really don't care if anyone reads ROCK--PAPER--BAZOOKA anymore. If you don't read my finely tuned, poetically brilliant, magnificently poignant, insights on the world and how it's going to hell in a hand basket at mach 8 speed, that is your own fucking fault. I'm still going to write it, my ass will still look as if it's been chiseled from the finest Italian marble, and PERHAPS, my sanity will stay intact.
PART I: Rock--Paper--Bazooka vs. Ohio Issue 2: Closing Arguments
THE AUTHOR would like to thank everyone in Ohio who believed all the shit that said Issue 2 was good for farms and blindly voted for it. You just screwed family farms across the state. You are awesome. Unless you are a farmer, than you are a victim of spin paid for by corporate "farms", or... uhh... stupid. I know it's too late, but I did warn everyone multiple times, and you'll see for yourselves...
I'm just so goddamn frustrated that the very people who should be against it, have been tricked into not only voting for it but pushing it! It just makes my already severely abused brain boil in it's own fluids. I mean, it just makes no sense! And they pulled it off... EASILY! It wasn't even close!
Now, farmers have just fucked themselves in the ass by voting it in here in Ohio, because these suits have got them all scared shitless of the "crazy vegetarian extremists trying to put them out of business", and that Issue 2 will save them. Which is a load of... well, horse shit.
The amendment creates a board that can EASILY be bought and sold by factory farms and corporate entities such as Monsanto (who make their living by buying out financially troubled farms that have been in the same family for generations).
Secondly, this board can and WILL levy fines that will cripple independent farms but will be less than a Monsanto executive would have in his wallet at any given time.
Furthermore, there ALREADY ARE other agencies, state and federal, such as the USDA, to handle this, so it is a waste of tax money for what will be an ineffective, bureaucratic cluster fuck that will do nothing to help agriculture, animals or food safety.
But here's the real fucking kick-in-the-balls... It gives buyers (grocery chains, packing plants, etc.) even MORE reason to do their business in Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Texas and Oklahoma, where it is already much cheaper to raise livestock, as well as grow feed for livestock.
Oh! And if that weren't enough, to add insult to injury, the board they create will just make HSUS and PETA's jobs that much easier. Now they only have one little 13 person target to go after, and trust me... they will.
I guarantee, the people that suckered Ohio farmers are only going to be there for Ohio farmers forced to sell the farm that has been in their family for decades when they are on the brink of foreclosure to do one thing... buy their family's land for pennies on the dollar and then hire them to work on it for minimum wage.
Granted... this is kind of the "worst case scenario", but the point is that Issue 2 opens the door for all that, without ANY real positive possibilities. What good intentions the bill may have are ineffectual, unenforceable, redundant and expensive, while the negatives are very real possibilities. At the very least, costs will go up, and Ohio farms will be hurt. I doubt anyone will be pushed to foreclose solely because of Issue 2, but there is EXPONENTIALLY more bad than good. The proponents of the issue just did a damn good job of getting people not to see the "man behind the curtain" with their scare tactics.
On a lighter note... scared of vegetarian animal rights activists??? Seriously??? Are they scared of kittens and Care Bear stuffed toys too?
Okay... Yes I know... damn near all of that is copied from my facebook. but now it's all in one nice little package, I uncensored myself (I like me some dirty words), I fixed my three billion typos and I made it a bit more clear.
PART II: The Birthstone Incident
So THE AUTHOR was watching Jeopardy with my parents and the topic of birthstones and topaz came up. It was asserted that: A) Topaz is yellow B)Blue topaz does not exist C) Topaz is not my birthstone and D) I'm an idiot for even thinking such things. I casually said "but aren't there different colors of topaz?", and it was met with a dirty look and "no, topaz is YELLOW" (emphasis intended). I then told the story (being careful to allow for flexibility to not sound like an asshole, or an ass, should I be wrong) about when we ordered my class ring. Where we didn't get it in my birthstone, opting for aquamarine instead, because we thought it'd be too dark too see the Trojan helmet (our mascot) carved under the stone. Where upon (even though I made no mention of topaz of any color being my birthstone) I was shot a nasty as hell look and told "Topaz is NOT your birthstone. Your birthstone is blue and topaz isn't blue." Where upon I go "Hmm, I thought there were different colors of topaz", and dropped it.
Okay, first off. It's really not a big deal. Secondly, being my parents, they are well aware of the fact that I collected and studied rocks as a kid. And last, but certainly not least... it's MY goddamn birthstone.
When I left the room to go do my treatments, I looked it up to make sure I wasn't going crazy, and sure enough, there is such a thing as blue topaz and *GASP* it's my birthstone!
Thinking I was being funny, I came back upstairs to give a good-natured "ha ha I was right, you were wrong". Not only was this not found funny, suddenly, I'm the one being a jerk about it. "If that's how you want to be about it".
Damn. Okay, I feel like a 13 year old complaining about my parents,but really I just use it as a good example.
It's always infuriating when people make a HUGE fucking deal about something as long as they think YOU are the one that's wrong, and then act like YOU are being a huge dick as soon as it turns out they're wrong. Especially when you take special care to be open-minded to their assertions and be good-natured about it when they are wrong.
Grow up.
PART III: YES, I'M VEGAN, NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE
I'm about to become one of those bitchy, angry, preachy vegans. I'm just so fucking sick of defending my choice to be vegan. A lot of times I avoid saying vegan, because people are assholes enough when it comes to being vegetarian. Every time it comes up that I am vegetarian/vegan I have to answer all these questions, explain myself, and (usually) get made fun of. Fuck you assholes. I don't give you the Spanish Inquisition over your charred dead animal eating habits. I mean it's gotten to the point where I hide the fact that I'm vegetarian, talk about hunting and fishing just to fit in, and lie about it. It's all just to not look like I escaped from the freak show tent, put up with the same questions and jokes I have heard almost every day since going vegetarian, or get called a "pussy" (which 90% of the time is the term that is used). Why is it so hard for people to comprehend the mere concept of not eating animals? Fuck you.
PART IV: GOLDEN NUGGETS OF AWESOME©
Machine gun complaints of the day:
PART I: Rock--Paper--Bazooka vs. Ohio Issue 2: Closing Arguments
THE AUTHOR would like to thank everyone in Ohio who believed all the shit that said Issue 2 was good for farms and blindly voted for it. You just screwed family farms across the state. You are awesome. Unless you are a farmer, than you are a victim of spin paid for by corporate "farms", or... uhh... stupid. I know it's too late, but I did warn everyone multiple times, and you'll see for yourselves...
I'm just so goddamn frustrated that the very people who should be against it, have been tricked into not only voting for it but pushing it! It just makes my already severely abused brain boil in it's own fluids. I mean, it just makes no sense! And they pulled it off... EASILY! It wasn't even close!
Now, farmers have just fucked themselves in the ass by voting it in here in Ohio, because these suits have got them all scared shitless of the "crazy vegetarian extremists trying to put them out of business", and that Issue 2 will save them. Which is a load of... well, horse shit.
The amendment creates a board that can EASILY be bought and sold by factory farms and corporate entities such as Monsanto (who make their living by buying out financially troubled farms that have been in the same family for generations).
Secondly, this board can and WILL levy fines that will cripple independent farms but will be less than a Monsanto executive would have in his wallet at any given time.
Furthermore, there ALREADY ARE other agencies, state and federal, such as the USDA, to handle this, so it is a waste of tax money for what will be an ineffective, bureaucratic cluster fuck that will do nothing to help agriculture, animals or food safety.
But here's the real fucking kick-in-the-balls... It gives buyers (grocery chains, packing plants, etc.) even MORE reason to do their business in Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Texas and Oklahoma, where it is already much cheaper to raise livestock, as well as grow feed for livestock.
Oh! And if that weren't enough, to add insult to injury, the board they create will just make HSUS and PETA's jobs that much easier. Now they only have one little 13 person target to go after, and trust me... they will.
I guarantee, the people that suckered Ohio farmers are only going to be there for Ohio farmers forced to sell the farm that has been in their family for decades when they are on the brink of foreclosure to do one thing... buy their family's land for pennies on the dollar and then hire them to work on it for minimum wage.
Granted... this is kind of the "worst case scenario", but the point is that Issue 2 opens the door for all that, without ANY real positive possibilities. What good intentions the bill may have are ineffectual, unenforceable, redundant and expensive, while the negatives are very real possibilities. At the very least, costs will go up, and Ohio farms will be hurt. I doubt anyone will be pushed to foreclose solely because of Issue 2, but there is EXPONENTIALLY more bad than good. The proponents of the issue just did a damn good job of getting people not to see the "man behind the curtain" with their scare tactics.
On a lighter note... scared of vegetarian animal rights activists??? Seriously??? Are they scared of kittens and Care Bear stuffed toys too?
Okay... Yes I know... damn near all of that is copied from my facebook. but now it's all in one nice little package, I uncensored myself (I like me some dirty words), I fixed my three billion typos and I made it a bit more clear.
PART II: The Birthstone Incident
So THE AUTHOR was watching Jeopardy with my parents and the topic of birthstones and topaz came up. It was asserted that: A) Topaz is yellow B)Blue topaz does not exist C) Topaz is not my birthstone and D) I'm an idiot for even thinking such things. I casually said "but aren't there different colors of topaz?", and it was met with a dirty look and "no, topaz is YELLOW" (emphasis intended). I then told the story (being careful to allow for flexibility to not sound like an asshole, or an ass, should I be wrong) about when we ordered my class ring. Where we didn't get it in my birthstone, opting for aquamarine instead, because we thought it'd be too dark too see the Trojan helmet (our mascot) carved under the stone. Where upon (even though I made no mention of topaz of any color being my birthstone) I was shot a nasty as hell look and told "Topaz is NOT your birthstone. Your birthstone is blue and topaz isn't blue." Where upon I go "Hmm, I thought there were different colors of topaz", and dropped it.
Okay, first off. It's really not a big deal. Secondly, being my parents, they are well aware of the fact that I collected and studied rocks as a kid. And last, but certainly not least... it's MY goddamn birthstone.
When I left the room to go do my treatments, I looked it up to make sure I wasn't going crazy, and sure enough, there is such a thing as blue topaz and *GASP* it's my birthstone!
Thinking I was being funny, I came back upstairs to give a good-natured "ha ha I was right, you were wrong". Not only was this not found funny, suddenly, I'm the one being a jerk about it. "If that's how you want to be about it".
Damn. Okay, I feel like a 13 year old complaining about my parents,but really I just use it as a good example.
It's always infuriating when people make a HUGE fucking deal about something as long as they think YOU are the one that's wrong, and then act like YOU are being a huge dick as soon as it turns out they're wrong. Especially when you take special care to be open-minded to their assertions and be good-natured about it when they are wrong.
Grow up.
PART III: YES, I'M VEGAN, NOW LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE
I'm about to become one of those bitchy, angry, preachy vegans. I'm just so fucking sick of defending my choice to be vegan. A lot of times I avoid saying vegan, because people are assholes enough when it comes to being vegetarian. Every time it comes up that I am vegetarian/vegan I have to answer all these questions, explain myself, and (usually) get made fun of. Fuck you assholes. I don't give you the Spanish Inquisition over your charred dead animal eating habits. I mean it's gotten to the point where I hide the fact that I'm vegetarian, talk about hunting and fishing just to fit in, and lie about it. It's all just to not look like I escaped from the freak show tent, put up with the same questions and jokes I have heard almost every day since going vegetarian, or get called a "pussy" (which 90% of the time is the term that is used). Why is it so hard for people to comprehend the mere concept of not eating animals? Fuck you.
PART IV: GOLDEN NUGGETS OF AWESOME©
Machine gun complaints of the day:
- Inventory sucks
- Subway sucks
- My stomach is a mess
- My back and neck hurt
- Gas is expensive as fuck
- Driving 45 minutes to be in Toledo by 6am sucks. hard.
- Nicotine's a bitch
I think all the idiots I deal with are giving me an ulcer. In person, in the paper, on TV, it doesn't matter. You are making my stomach eat itself alive.
I shed dog hair... Let me clarify. My dog sheds hair onto my bed, this hair on my bed sticks to my clothes and skin overnight, and then I shed the hair all over too. This is my life. It is gross.
Fuck You Yankees. Seriously. I fucking hate you. Especially you Mr. Rodriguez. You are everything that I hate about baseball.
Remember what I said about Toledo?
I'm fucking tired.
So buzz off.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Radio Silence Bazooka.
Rock--Paper--Bazooka reluctantly announces that it will be going on indefinite hiatus.
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Bazooka's Maxim
I had the day off today, and it was delicious. Not good, not great, not fun, not exciting... Delicious. I refuse to explain that, except to say it has nothing to do with food. Really other than a couple of new hats, some good grocery shoppin', and a decent batch of fajitas, (yes, I know, so shut it) it was rather mediocre, dare I even say lame?
It insists on ALWAYS raining on my days off. Seriously. I know everyone exaggerates and says that, but FOR SERIAL, it has rained every fucking day I've had off since I started at AutoZone a month ago. Fuck you Mother Nature, how about I piss on your parade? And with all the work I do to be a good little environmentalist? Bitch.
THE AUTHOR got a fair amount done today.
1. I went to GFS to see if they sold monstrous boxes of veggie burgers. FAIL. But they did have giant bags of Jennie's Dittos (Caramel Puffcorn). SCORE.
2. Went to Walgreen's to update my insurance and refill my prescriptions. That was at least half an hour of my life I will never get back.
3. Went to Kohl's for some boxer briefs. Wound up finding bad ass Browns hats for 25% off and nearly as bad ass OSU hats for 50% off. Did not get underwear. Who needs underwear anyways...
4. Went to Meijer and Kroger. FOOLPROOF. I love grocery shopping. Shit, I just plain love food, and Meijer has a bad ass produce section. Amongst THE AUTHOR's loot: Cherimoya, Prickly Pears, and some bad ass Bavarian Mustard. Boosh.
5. Got my schedule at work. I have to work in Toledo to do inventory. I think I'd rather have Willford Brimley give me an enema.
6. Made some bad ass fajitas with seitan, peppers, onions and black olives.
7. Finished off that bag of Dittos from GFS. Oops.
There was more, but I had nothing even remotely witty or interesting to say about it... not that any of that could be classified as witty or interesting, but it's my blearrrgh so bite me. If you really want me to tell you all about the laundry I did, I'm filing a restraining order.
As my day was pretty lame to anyone other than me... Here it is... GOLDEN NUGGETS OF AWESOME©! Brought to you today by my ripe, juicy, firm buttocks.
Okay, if you've never had a cherimoya, but you like fruit, your life is empty and meaningless. The wisest man in American history, Mark Twain, called the cherimoya "the most delicious fruit known to men." Which should be reason enough. It's weird looking, kind of expensive, and it's a pain in the ass to eat (the seeds are poisonous, and sometimes there's a crap-ton of them), but good god is it worth it. It's almost like a fruit salad all in one. One bite will be like a really soft apple, one will taste like a banana, or a pear, or a kiwi, another a strawberry. It's goddamn awesome.
Brainiac was an unbelievably stupendous band. I was reading about them today though, and someone said they were "the greatest band from Dayton". Did you just shit your drawers? Yeah, so did I. I love Brainiac, but seriously? Everyone knows Guided by Voices is the greatest band to come out of Dayton. However, the two together comprise the only two things of any redeeming quality to come out of Dayton in the past 100 years. Sorry to friends that live in Dayton... both for slamming your city and for, well... the fact that you live in Dayton.
No disrespect to breast cancer, but what about all the other life-threatening illnesses?
Bob Odenkirk says the word "goddammit" better than anyone to have ever walked the Earth.
New York Yankees... Fuck you. I was perfectly content with you guys sucking last year.
THE AUTHOR lives in a city where the county parks office had to make a pact with the city that there would be "no more parks". Seriously? You're too stingy to shell out for parks? What the fuck is wrong with people? It's no wonder why everyone here is a damn fat ass. Who needs to go have a walk in the park when you've got TV?!
THE AUTHOR wants to have pillows with sage for stuffing. It's kind of soft and it's just a damn fine and relaxing smell. Hell, I want a pillow with rosemary, one with basil, and other herbs and plants, that way I can choose a pillow to aromatically lull me to sleep like a baby.
I need to find a way to launch anvils for a living. That'd be sweet. Either that or make the TANKAPAULT a reality.
THE AUTHOR needs a social life. He's pretty sure his phone does accept incoming calls from people other than debt collectors... I'll have to call Verizon and make sure, maybe that costs more.
Okay, it's is time for THE AUTHOR to go lie in bed, spoon a pillow and try to sleep. So unless you'd like to replace the pillow...
buzz off.
jerks...
It insists on ALWAYS raining on my days off. Seriously. I know everyone exaggerates and says that, but FOR SERIAL, it has rained every fucking day I've had off since I started at AutoZone a month ago. Fuck you Mother Nature, how about I piss on your parade? And with all the work I do to be a good little environmentalist? Bitch.
THE AUTHOR got a fair amount done today.
1. I went to GFS to see if they sold monstrous boxes of veggie burgers. FAIL. But they did have giant bags of Jennie's Dittos (Caramel Puffcorn). SCORE.
2. Went to Walgreen's to update my insurance and refill my prescriptions. That was at least half an hour of my life I will never get back.
3. Went to Kohl's for some boxer briefs. Wound up finding bad ass Browns hats for 25% off and nearly as bad ass OSU hats for 50% off. Did not get underwear. Who needs underwear anyways...
4. Went to Meijer and Kroger. FOOLPROOF. I love grocery shopping. Shit, I just plain love food, and Meijer has a bad ass produce section. Amongst THE AUTHOR's loot: Cherimoya, Prickly Pears, and some bad ass Bavarian Mustard. Boosh.
5. Got my schedule at work. I have to work in Toledo to do inventory. I think I'd rather have Willford Brimley give me an enema.
6. Made some bad ass fajitas with seitan, peppers, onions and black olives.
7. Finished off that bag of Dittos from GFS. Oops.
There was more, but I had nothing even remotely witty or interesting to say about it... not that any of that could be classified as witty or interesting, but it's my blearrrgh so bite me. If you really want me to tell you all about the laundry I did, I'm filing a restraining order.
As my day was pretty lame to anyone other than me... Here it is... GOLDEN NUGGETS OF AWESOME©! Brought to you today by my ripe, juicy, firm buttocks.
Okay, if you've never had a cherimoya, but you like fruit, your life is empty and meaningless. The wisest man in American history, Mark Twain, called the cherimoya "the most delicious fruit known to men." Which should be reason enough. It's weird looking, kind of expensive, and it's a pain in the ass to eat (the seeds are poisonous, and sometimes there's a crap-ton of them), but good god is it worth it. It's almost like a fruit salad all in one. One bite will be like a really soft apple, one will taste like a banana, or a pear, or a kiwi, another a strawberry. It's goddamn awesome.
Brainiac was an unbelievably stupendous band. I was reading about them today though, and someone said they were "the greatest band from Dayton". Did you just shit your drawers? Yeah, so did I. I love Brainiac, but seriously? Everyone knows Guided by Voices is the greatest band to come out of Dayton. However, the two together comprise the only two things of any redeeming quality to come out of Dayton in the past 100 years. Sorry to friends that live in Dayton... both for slamming your city and for, well... the fact that you live in Dayton.
No disrespect to breast cancer, but what about all the other life-threatening illnesses?
Bob Odenkirk says the word "goddammit" better than anyone to have ever walked the Earth.
New York Yankees... Fuck you. I was perfectly content with you guys sucking last year.
THE AUTHOR lives in a city where the county parks office had to make a pact with the city that there would be "no more parks". Seriously? You're too stingy to shell out for parks? What the fuck is wrong with people? It's no wonder why everyone here is a damn fat ass. Who needs to go have a walk in the park when you've got TV?!
THE AUTHOR wants to have pillows with sage for stuffing. It's kind of soft and it's just a damn fine and relaxing smell. Hell, I want a pillow with rosemary, one with basil, and other herbs and plants, that way I can choose a pillow to aromatically lull me to sleep like a baby.
I need to find a way to launch anvils for a living. That'd be sweet. Either that or make the TANKAPAULT a reality.
THE AUTHOR needs a social life. He's pretty sure his phone does accept incoming calls from people other than debt collectors... I'll have to call Verizon and make sure, maybe that costs more.
Okay, it's is time for THE AUTHOR to go lie in bed, spoon a pillow and try to sleep. So unless you'd like to replace the pillow...
buzz off.
jerks...
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The Bazooka's Guide to the Galaxy
As THE AUTHOR has spent pretty much all day either working or railing against Issue 2 (which has already been covered here on the 'Zooka) I don't have anything too substantial to talk about, but I do have a substantial number of things to talk about. You know what that means...
GOLDEN NUGGETS OF AWESOME©!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some of the smartest people I know are mechanics, some of the dumbest people I know are doctors.
Jalapeno potato chips = Double plus good
People who complain about not getting 12 dollars cash instead of 12 dollars credit, when it was because they got a 20 dollar reward discount are assholes. Especially when they rant on about it to 3 different people for half an hour, especially when it is stated clearly on the back of the rewards card. She told my clerk that we "stole" her twelve dollars and she wanted it back. First, we did give it back, just not the way you want. Second, if it's like that then you "stole" my twenty dollars. Fuck that lady. I told her as much, but in nicer words.
This is a hero.
There will be a future blearrrgh on Facebook ads that I find hilarious. Example an ad with the headline "Date Younger Girls". Uh, I'm 28... Just how much "younger" are we talking??? Creepy.
I made some bad-ass fajitas tonight for dinner. Lots of peppers and onions, and a metric-shit-ton of mushrooms... I have a feeling my room will not be smelling so great in the morning. Damn, throw the jalapeno potato chips on top of all that. I hope nothing gives off a spark while I'm sleeping. KA-BOOM!
I need to go play with my camera someday. It's been a while. I have a Canon AE-1 that I treasure, and haven't had a chance to actually use in ages.
I need to SERIOUSLY catch up on FlashForward. I still have to watch last weeks and the new one is on tomorrow.
There are few feelings creepier than a dog licking the bottom of your foot. Ewwwwwww... I got a chill just typing it.
More sneak previews for the resurrected, new and improved Rock--Paper--Bazooka: New Short Stories! (Will Tank Abbott return???) More Vegan Recipes that even meat-eaters will love! More talking about my hot ass! More Complaining! More Pictures! A candid look at THE AUTHOR's alter-ego, Travis! (That is, until THE AUTHOR realizes what a drag this Travis fellow is, and starts talking about his sweet ass again.)
RPB scientists are also working on bringing more cutting edge technology to the 'Zooka! Smell-O-Vision! Telepathically beaming THE AUTHOR's message into the unenlightened masses! Convincing people to actually leave comments! Live webchat with THE AUTHOR's mentally challenged dog, SIOUX! Voice capabilities that will read the 'Zooka to you in the voice of Sam Elliot!
You already know too much...
So buzz off.
jerks.
GOLDEN NUGGETS OF AWESOME©!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some of the smartest people I know are mechanics, some of the dumbest people I know are doctors.
Jalapeno potato chips = Double plus good
People who complain about not getting 12 dollars cash instead of 12 dollars credit, when it was because they got a 20 dollar reward discount are assholes. Especially when they rant on about it to 3 different people for half an hour, especially when it is stated clearly on the back of the rewards card. She told my clerk that we "stole" her twelve dollars and she wanted it back. First, we did give it back, just not the way you want. Second, if it's like that then you "stole" my twenty dollars. Fuck that lady. I told her as much, but in nicer words.
This is a hero.
There will be a future blearrrgh on Facebook ads that I find hilarious. Example an ad with the headline "Date Younger Girls". Uh, I'm 28... Just how much "younger" are we talking??? Creepy.
I made some bad-ass fajitas tonight for dinner. Lots of peppers and onions, and a metric-shit-ton of mushrooms... I have a feeling my room will not be smelling so great in the morning. Damn, throw the jalapeno potato chips on top of all that. I hope nothing gives off a spark while I'm sleeping. KA-BOOM!
I need to go play with my camera someday. It's been a while. I have a Canon AE-1 that I treasure, and haven't had a chance to actually use in ages.
I need to SERIOUSLY catch up on FlashForward. I still have to watch last weeks and the new one is on tomorrow.
There are few feelings creepier than a dog licking the bottom of your foot. Ewwwwwww... I got a chill just typing it.
More sneak previews for the resurrected, new and improved Rock--Paper--Bazooka: New Short Stories! (Will Tank Abbott return???) More Vegan Recipes that even meat-eaters will love! More talking about my hot ass! More Complaining! More Pictures! A candid look at THE AUTHOR's alter-ego, Travis! (That is, until THE AUTHOR realizes what a drag this Travis fellow is, and starts talking about his sweet ass again.)
RPB scientists are also working on bringing more cutting edge technology to the 'Zooka! Smell-O-Vision! Telepathically beaming THE AUTHOR's message into the unenlightened masses! Convincing people to actually leave comments! Live webchat with THE AUTHOR's mentally challenged dog, SIOUX! Voice capabilities that will read the 'Zooka to you in the voice of Sam Elliot!
You already know too much...
So buzz off.
jerks.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Don't Cry for Me Argentina, for I will Always Make Sweet Sweet Love to Your Mothers.
The 'Zooka would like to give a shout out to all his homeys in Buenos Aires, Argentina. That's right, THE AUTHOR rolls heavy when he's down in the BA. You say Bazooka people drop to their knees to honor THE AUTHOR. I have friggin' FLEET of limos when I roll with my boys down in the land of Fair Winds motherfuckers.
Okay, I shall explain... Looking at the visitor stats of the 'Zooka the other day, (Yes, I am watching you) I noticed that someone visited my page from Buenos Aires. Why, because the word is spreading bitches. World domination: Phase 1. Actually, it was because they were doing a Google image search for "Super Bazooka".
Hopefully he comes back, because any friend of the M20 "Super Bazooka", is a friend of mine. I bet he runs Argentina's bitchinest crime ring, or better yet, maybe it's not a he at all. THE AUTHOR is totally down with some hot, Argentinian, bazooka-loving, Latin booty.
I had a visitor from Seoul, South Korea once too. THE AUTHOR is totally down with some hot, bazooka-loving, Korean booty as well. Well, actually, THE AUTHOR has no posse in Buenos Aires or Seoul, and would be content with any booty at all.
Okay, back to business boys and girls.
So buzz off.
Okay, I shall explain... Looking at the visitor stats of the 'Zooka the other day, (Yes, I am watching you) I noticed that someone visited my page from Buenos Aires. Why, because the word is spreading bitches. World domination: Phase 1. Actually, it was because they were doing a Google image search for "Super Bazooka".
Hopefully he comes back, because any friend of the M20 "Super Bazooka", is a friend of mine. I bet he runs Argentina's bitchinest crime ring, or better yet, maybe it's not a he at all. THE AUTHOR is totally down with some hot, Argentinian, bazooka-loving, Latin booty.
I had a visitor from Seoul, South Korea once too. THE AUTHOR is totally down with some hot, bazooka-loving, Korean booty as well. Well, actually, THE AUTHOR has no posse in Buenos Aires or Seoul, and would be content with any booty at all.
Okay, back to business boys and girls.
So buzz off.
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